Top 10 Wizarding Fails

Wilbur Whateley
Wilbur Whateley dies in the midst of an armed burglary, so close to possessing his precious "Necronomicon." Further study: If the "Necronomicon" is checked out, obtain a copy of H.P. Lovecraft's "The Dunwich Horror" from your local forbidden book depository. Art by Santiago Caruso, from the illustrated "The Dunwich Horror" by H. P. Lovecraft

There's much to admire in Wilbur Whateley. Born the bastard spawn of an erratic albino mother and an incorporeal father, the young man overcame his many inhuman deformities to become something of a self-taught expert in the world's blackest sorcery. Plus, he did all this while supporting a decrepit grandfather and an amorphous, cattle-gobbling twin brother.

But the man had dreams – big dreams. Whateley aimed to summon the blasphemous Old Ones back to Earth and birth a new age of darkness. So this half-human scholar, barely hiding his crotch tentacles, set out to obtain a copy of the dreaded "Necronomicon" from the local library.

Naturally, they rejected his request out of concern for Earth's safety. So Whateley did what any sensible wizard would do: He attempted armed burglary – and was promptly killed, stripped and partially eaten by a guard dog.

The lesson: Wizards, occult secrets and dark wisdom are one thing, but don't turn to petty crime in order to achieve your sorcerous goals. Just remember poor Whateley, his cosmic ambition and the dog that ate him.